Rebellious Little Laila

Assalamualaikum, and hi!

Something just happened and that hits me hard so I just want to write it here. Everyone, literally everyone knows that Laila has the rebellious character. Bapak denied that while I dont. I asked Bapak once and Bapak said I am a good daughter, always follows his advice and that he trusts me but little did he know that I am actually rebellious but have never got caught. I am rebellious but not to the extend where I am totally out of control. Just that I cannot imagine if I lost Bapak's trust.

Laila is a person who is very VERY indecisive. Heres the thing, if I were to decide on something and I had a strong and firm stance, nobody and nothing can stop me. But if I were being indecisive, contemplating should I or should I not, I need somebody to tell me what to do. I need someone who can think things for me, and to decide on my behalf but, that person must not has any interest to the matter, you get what I mean? haihhh

Lets get to the story.
Syazwan invited me to join the group to Mount Ijen Friday tomorrow at 6pm. He said from Surabaya to Ijen takes 6 hours long drive, and will be back at 6pm on Saturday. Me being me, a person who LOVES travelling but always didnt get the chance to, of course I'd be delighted. I mean, I am the type of person who can be up for some crazy ideas. And its only one day trip, I'll be back on Saturday, and I'll have 3 days to study for International Law final exam on Wednesday. Since I am coming home to Malaysia on 31st of May 2019, which is only two weeks away, everything is just so nice.

But, the thing is, I am the 6/7 siblings, I am always be seen as the little one, thus I'll need to have my family's permission, not necessary all... but I always ask for Seth's (the 5/7) permission if I think Bapak's permission is just impossible. Around March 2019, a group of UUM mathematics student approached me, invited me to join them to Bali. I asked Seth because i just know Bapak will say no. Guess what, Seth also said no, because my three other friends (Johana, Adzlin and Batrisyia) that came here with me, didnt want to go. His reasoning is,, just,, unacceptable (to me) because, it simply means that I just need to follow what the others want to do when in fact, I am always the different one. They like shopping, going to the mall, while I am more to the nature type, something outdoor. But yeah, I gave up Bali cause Seth sounded serious. I mean, I can differentiate whether he can still be persuaded or not, but that time,, nope.

So this time around, I wanted to just go to Mount Ijen without permission, yes I know its a last minute plan but I believe UNPLANNED THINGS ARE THE BEST! But I was being indecisive because, yeah the thought of taking the risk, if anything happened, Seth is gonna look for Jo and the rest for letting me go. Means that even if I am on my own, but if anything happens, I pulled Jo and the rest into the picture, unfair to them. So I asked Afiq for his opinion, he said just go, "tak selalu dapat pergi, nak balik dah kan" yea cause hes the type like me, believe to the bold statement. But, Afiq also said that I must have permission. So I tried to ask Jo as shes the closest among them three with Seth. Jo really didnt mind me going but with Seth's permission. But her statement is nothing bias to either YES or NO. In between, she just wants me to let Seth knows my whereabouts. But then, after listing out all the possibilities and whatnot, she said NO. An absolute one.

Like I said, if I were indecisive, someone needs to tell me what to do. Afiq and Jo said I have to tell Seth but if I cant do that, Jo said then dont. I felt convinced when she gave me the definite answer. Yes, unplanned things are the best but redha family > everything. I am far away from my family, Jo also reminded me that Bapak was mad for he thought madam gave the permission for me to just go anywhere without the others company (which was not, it was a misunderstanding). Bapak was worried that I'd go somewhere alone without the other 3. Well, in fact, Bapak was right. I went to few places already without them (still around Surabaya) but it is because I cant fit in with them. But like I said, as long as Bapak doesnt know.... Okay so, I just think that because I am far thus if Bapak were to know that I went without the other 3, I would lost his trust and I am a disappointment. I just dont want to be a disappointment to Bapak, at least not here.

Being financially independent, but youre the little one in the family, you still cannot have the absolute freedom. RM600 for Bali trip? I have it. 550k rupiah for Mount Ijen? I can. But because I still need permission from my strict and loving family, I cant always get to do it. I know they are restricting me  because they are worried something would happen, they dont want me to get into troubles but, Laila is a girl who likes to take the risk, always look forward to grab the chance and always up to the crazy ideas. I am free to do anything I want but I have to realise that my freedom is always limited. Oh btw Syazwan is okay, he never forced, besides trying to attract possible customer, he knows that I am not the shopping type and that i would love to join, after giving my reasons, he agreed and he said he knows I'll put my family first, an understanding friend indeed.

I am sad that I need to give up Mount Ijen too, like Bali. But, thats okay I guess family matters the most.

Laila Rafaee,
3:50AM (waiting to have sahur)
Surabaya, Indonesia 🇲🇨


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