Dear A.

Assalamualaikum and hi. 

There was this one time, I questioned God. That if you were not meant for me, then why did our path cross? Because that night, we were not supposed to meet. As I was supposed to come on another date. But some things happened, that I couldn’t come and I was scheduled a new date, with you. Then I asked God, why? Why him? And why me?

Had we not met, we would not know each other’s names, nor be taking pictures. You would not know my existence, nor would you give me your number. And I would never…. ever texted you. No texting, meeting, no catching feelings. 

Time flies very swiftly. Fast, but it felt right. You put the words together, and I did too. We were both excited to what our future holds. I asked you if you see me in your future, and you said yes. “I want you for a lifetime.”, you said.

I hope you know that you made me feel, safe. And understood. And some other foreign feelings I could not express. You’re the easiest guy to communicate to. All this while I thought I was so hard to be understood, but then you came along and prove me that I was wrong. That it takes the right one to understand me. Because you did, so effortlessly.

We have so many things in common, how we both are good sparring partner. Intellectually and emotionally, you said. How we were attracted to each other’s way of thinking, initially. That you decided to search my name, and studied me. Did you know that you taught me how to be emotionally mature? I was a complete different person when I was with you. With you, I was a better person. Whom I thought deserved you.  

But again, universe has its own unique way of presenting life. We’ve became distant. Of course, the questions came in. Was I not deserving? Were you not ready? Was I not the one for you? Does He not allow us to be together? What is not enough? What is wrong with us?

These questions lingered around me for quite some time. I was confused and angry. Because I do not understand. I need reasons. But with time, I think deep, and I trust Him, that everything happened for a reason. Every soul I encountered, must teach me something. You are a kind man to me. You have always been. Some of the things that you did, or some of the things you cannot escape, did hurt me too. But if there is one thing I'm grateful for you, is-

You healed a part of me that I didn’t know need healing.

Terkadang, orang tak faham betapa susahnya nak belajar apakah itu maksud redha. Sampailah itu satu satunya pilihan yang kita ada. Untuk yakin, apa yang Tuhan nak berikan itu adalah jauh lebih baik daripada apa yang kita minta. 

And to reach that level? You need to have a strong, full and undivided faith in Him. Because just imagine, you have to believe something you cannot understand, something you cannot see for certain, to let go of something you really.. really want. If it comes back, it’s yours. If it doesn’t, it’s just not meant for you. That He has something better in store for you, if you just…. wait. That is hard. But thats how powerful our God is. His power exceeds everything, including the things you cannot wrap your head around. Something beyond your imagination. 

“If He can take something from you that you never imagined of losing, He can give you something you never imagined of having”, I trust you, my Lord. Wholeheartedly. I have always imagined to have someone like you, but I do not know if He is taking you away from me, this quick. I do not know a single thing about you now.

But I leave you in the care of Allah, for He is the Most Gracious and Most Merciful.

Bahagianya saya jumpa awak. Gembiranya saya ada awak dalam salah satu cerita dalam buku saya. I hope that we keep our promise, to conclude this whole thing, before Ramadan. If it’s a yes, or if it’s a no. So that you and I, can start our Ramadan with ease of heart. For you and I, deserve the same peace. Till then, I’ll wait.

Semoga Tuhan selalu terbitkan rasa bahagia dalam hati awak, dengan cara apa sekalipun. Jaga diri ya. Semoga dengan izinNya, saya dapat jumpa awak lagi.

Yang tulus dan ikhlas,

Tun Laila Tun Rafaee.

2:05AM

Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia.