what is love without trust?

Assalamualaikum,

Today, 31st January 2020. I just got home from work at Tealive, shoot straight from Putrajaya Court, my internship place. Punch out from court at 5PM, punch in at Tealive at 6PM to 11PM. I’m tired, of everything but I signed up for it 😞 I had my lunch at 1PM and I haven’t eaten since then. My body needs a rest I know, my mind needs peace. My heart needs a mend. But neither of it gets anything. Today, I am done with my second week of internship, I have 3 weeks more before my class starts.

Today, tonight, at this hour, it marks one week of, we stopped talking. I am still sad. I am still mad. Faham tak rasa macam hati kau rasa sesak. Macam kena tekan. That kind of hurt. This still hurts. I swear it still does. He still wishes me good night and good morning but, I have no power to start a conversation again. We just left it hanging. I don’t know if I can go any further, I feel powerless. Rasa dibodohkan. Rasa sia sia. Marah. I want this to stop. Rasa macam taknak ada kaitan dengan mana mana lelaki pun.

Sevastian, I’m sorry but I don’t want to take any kind of risk anymore. I think I have had enough, I know I am not fair, for not giving you a chance. Even once. Never. But I gave another guy one chance after another. Serik sangat. Sia sia percaya, sia sia berharap. Chances after chances. Goes to waste. If you wonder this is your time to take the chance, no. Let me start being fair here, neither gets any chance. I don’t want to associate with any kind of guys anymore.

‪Remember Laila when you cannot go any further with Sevastian because he disrespected you in the past? When you asked him to stop saying those i love yous & i miss yous but he still did it?‬ Well this time around, you will do the same thing. You are leaving a person who disrespects you.

I really hope the love dies and the hate grows, because its easier for me to get over someone that way. Because the trust had completely gone. Completely. Gone. 0/10. For whatever he said, I will always question myself, if this time its true or just another lies. I will question what is the assurance? That this time around, is this genuine? Of course I am not ready to put a closure. For good. I am not ready to put a stop. I just need to find a way to move on, and things will be easy to be done. But, the last time I reckoned, it took me two years to get over a friend. A friend of 6 months. How am I supposed to get over a friend of 3 years+? No one said it’ll be easy, but you can. You just have to fix your faith and do it, Laila. You can. The question is, do you want it? Or you will regret the decision you make? Like always.

“as 2020 starts great, I hope it ends great too”
I don’t know. It is the end of just, January. I swear January starts great, but it ends devastating. I’m on my bed, laying dengan baju kerja lagi, tak makan lagi, haven’t taken shower, sad songs. Raining. Here I am writing my thoughts down.

This morning, as usual I was driving to Putrajaya, and I swear my mind was everywhere. I did not focus on the road. I was thinking about so many things. I nearly got myself and Seth into an accident. Twice. My bad. Today was definitely a bad day. It started so bad and it was going bad and it ends bad too. Tomorrow will be just another day. But I really hope tomorrow will be better. In any way. I need good news.

“Have you ever been so close to someone that you were never in a relationship but when you both stopped talking it felt like a breakup?‬”

This is it. It feels like it.

Sincerely,
Laila Rafaee.
12:12AM
Subang Jaya.

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