no one knows how much i cried that day

today i went to work with swollen eyes. sebab banyak sangat menangis semalam. nasib baik la semalam seth ada marah jugak, boleh la jadi alasan orang tanya kenapa mata sembap. that was not the first time, tak ingat dah berapa kali menangis sebab sedihkan benda yang sama. cuma semalam kebetulan dia text time tengah breakdown.

irsyad: aku as lelaki, kalau betul perempuan seksi macam tu memang kawan aku, aku like je la kot gambar dia. tapi aku memang takkan comment la.

jonas: i wont like the sexy girls pictures even kawan saya because i know amanda wouldnt like me do that. i respect her and i know if i like sexy girl’s pictures, she will feel insecure about herself more. i dont want her to feel that way. kalau saya nampak post macam tu saya scroll through je. i wont like, comment pun tak akan.

what is your own true definition of happiness? i hope you find it. i guess i am not it. for 3 years, did i not make you happy enough to have your eyes only on me. because if i made you happy enough you wouldnt look at other girls. what do i lack at? am i not deserving to be your source of happiness? i have given you everything. but i guess that is not enough.

i dont want a cheap man. i dont want a husband whom everyone can simply see his username be commenting on other girls pictures. sebab lelaki sebelum and selepas kahwin, sama.

if you can act like that now, what can you assure me with, to make me believe that you wont flirt behind me in the future? you promised me youre a loyal man. you were sad because someone cheated on you before. but what do i do to deserve this. isnt this another type of cheating? i never cheated on any guys. i never had any guy before. you are the first one that came into my life this far. there are so many guys who wanted me but i said no because i wanted you. i dont care but if youre hiding texts, hiding dms, hiding whatever and be dropping some flirty comments on other girl’s pictures, to me, youre cheating.

no wonder you were very reluctant when i asked for your phone. you said i didnt trust you enough thats why i wanted to check on your phone. youre right. i didnt. and look, i am correct. i am always correct. you were hiding something. a liar, a cheater. what more can you be. even a loyal man doesnt impress me because men being loyal is the bare minimum. and what are you? even lower than the bare minimum? 

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