Never had I promised my tomorrows

Assalamualaikum, and hi! 

Today's entry is from my instagram post caption. And I added sum. Bismillah.

Never had I promised my tomorrows. If today is my last day, there are so many things I want to apologise for. I ask for forgiveness from each, and every single soul I've encountered throughout my whole life. I have met a lot of people, and to whom this may concern, to whoever knows my name, to everyone I’ve talked to, I hope you will read this, once I'm gone from this world. 

If we were friends online, thank you for trying to keep in touch with me. Trust me when I say “I hope we’re friends forever”. I totally mean it. But I’ve been at my lowest self state, I’ve been in a very toxic environment for quite some time, that I tend to push people away, including those who cared about me. I don't know why did I do that. Paranoid. Selfish. Probably. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not providing at least, a reason. I'm sorry I left you hanging. You did no harm. Even when we’re no longer following each other on social media, I always make sure that you have my number, I will always be here if you need me. I promise. I promise I am always your friend. I removed you because I was scared if you were one of this type of person.

I was culture shocked. I was scared enough to be in a group of people whom I've witnessed how they (represent the society) view other people. I was paranoid to think that you guys were talking behind my back. I've heard hurtful words, even in fact some of you guys are not like that. Even though it was not directed to me, but of course I thought what if I were to be in the same position as the person they talked about? What if that was exactly how people were talking about me? What if they only say nice things in my face, but they talked about my face scars to their friends? What if they make fun of the people I love? These questions in my head, are real. These are what I have witnessed. Some people pretend to hype you up, but they were actually laughing at the way you dress. Silly. 

To another some people; we’re not as closed, but we happened to be seeing each other’s life on social media. Here are possible reasons of why I removed some people (read:you) because :-

1. I see my life is at any less than yours. I feel like you have everything, and why dont I have the same as yours? You were fed with silver spoon, you were able to go travel everywhere. You got to spend big bills without having to think of what to eat tomorrow. My life i different than yours, seeing your life, makes me feel less grateful of mine. I hope you're not offended. It  was none of your fault. You were just creating memories and cherish your moment, but in other peoples' view, they can't have what you have. 

2. I don't feel the same energy from you as I exert. I don't receive the same energy from you. Sometimes you make me feel like I am the only one trying to be a friend. I am the only one wanting to keep in touch. 

3. Probably your presence is no longer best for me. Probably your presence is no longer healthy for me. Probably, you are toxic to me. You inspire ill-feelings in my surrounding. I don't need that. I am negative for myself enough, I don't need more of that. Maybe, we'll meet again when we are better for each other. But I know, some of you wished to never know me anymore. I respect that. 

4. Everyone is toxic to somebody, the difference is whether you know or you don't. As for me, I know I am, that's why I distant myself from you. Probably I've been giving out the same toxic traits to you too, that is why we should stay away, trust me, for everything I've done, it was done with good intentions, but as a flawed human being, my actions were imperfect. Thank you for the short acquaintance. 

In another view, I would like to tell the others, to do yourself a favour. By getting yourself out of the toxic circle and grow. For the several times already, I am always paranoid of my surroundings, because of the society we're living in. And I will always ask people to remove me if I am not good for you. I am not offended. To me, it is mature to accept rejection as everyone has their right to choose their circle. 
For whichever reasons you categorised in, I am sorry.


Sincerely from an Apologist,
Laila Rafaee,
12:50AM
Shah Alam.

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